Critter Creep

Ah Spring! Ah, NOT! Man, the cold went away, the sun came out, and so did the critters. All the creeping crawling ones, the scurrying furry ones, the flying, nesting, noisy ones.

Ok, I don’t dislike nature’s creatures. What I do dislike is when they invade my space. I live in a house with a nice backyard. There are nice trees and bushes for little critters to live. But nooo…they want in – in where I live. They want to live in part of my attic. They want to build nests under the eaves. They want to come in, sit down, and share a meal with me. Ain’t happening. Yesterday, I had the exterminator come to get rid of carpenter bees that were boring holes into the wood trim, and wasps that were starting to build their cones, and ants that had mysteriously showed up in my bathroom. There’s a birds nest that needs to go too, or else the chicken snakes will be slithering around trying to get the eggs. It-is-all-too-much.

Right now, I am being terrorized by a couple of squirrels. Lower your eyebrow. I know terrorized is a big word, but imagine this. I’m sitting in my office banging on the computer keyboard, minding my own damn business, and suddenly, there’s this noise. Is someone trying to break into my house? I get up to investigate. I check the doors and the windows. No signs of impending burglary. The noise comes and goes. It goes across the ceiling. It comes from one room to another. WTH? Squirrels! It’s amazing how noisy they can be and how heavy they sound. Of course, the sound of their rapid feet tapping across the attic floor might be magnified in my mind, nonetheless, it’s loud. I live in a very quiet neighborhood, so any kind of sound stands out. And any kind of sound originating in my house is cause for concern. What’s got me spooked the most about these squirrels is that I can’t get rid of them and having them share my abode is distracting at all the wrong times — when I’m asleep, when I’m on the phone, when I’m enjoying dinner, or watching tv. That noise is not supposed to be there.

I found an entry point. I searched my house looking for some ‘thing’ to plug it up. I found some commercial steel wool (leftover from renovating this house – which is still not complete), and stuffed it in the hole. The next morning, I came out to find the steel wool laying on the porch. Hmm. Smart squirrel. It wasn’t going to let a wad of steel wool keep it out or in, whichever the case was. I considered other barriers I could construct. I couldn’t find anything suitable at first, and so I settled on some leftover sanding paper that’s used in floor sanders. You know, the rough kind. This stuff can’t be torn. It has to be cut with sharp scissors. I folded it up into a type of wedge and jammed it into the hole. Shortly after, maybe later in the day, I hear this frantic clawing. Ah ha, that was the spot. The squirrel was desperately trying to remove it so it could get back in. There were tiny shreds in the sand paper. There was also some evidence of chewing on a dead wire. This can’t be good. What if that darn rodent got to the real live wires? Would I find myself sitting in the dark praying that I could finish my work before my laptop’s battery went dead? I’d spent a small fortune rewiring this house, and this squirrel could undo all of that.

I told a friend that it was “ON!” I was going to come up with something to rid myself of this nuisance. Meanwhile, the noise continued. It seemed like more for some reason. I went to my local hardware store and the discount store. I purchased small metal sheets and a wiry contraption that fits into gutter down spouts. It has sharp edges. And I know this next thing will depress the animal lovers out there, but I also got some rat poison and a BB gun. (face it, the only thing separating squirrels from rats is that bushy tail). I rigged a new plug, using the sandpaper, the gutter-thingy, and stuck a block of poison inside it.

Ah peace. Yeah, right, for about a day and a half. This is not your ordinary squirrel. It found another way in. No doubt, it had to create a new opening with persistent gnawing and pulling, but whatever it did, I began to hear it again. I was disheartened. Apparently, this squirrel was highly motivated. Maybe there were baby squirrels. Egads! Maybe it had stockpiled enough groceries to last the year. What? Why my house?

So for the past two mornings, I have sat on my patio staring at my house with BB gun in hand. I wanted to see if I could see where it was emerging or entering. The plan had always been to continue plugging holes, but I was not opposed to popping it with that BB gun. Yesterday morning, I discovered that it had an ‘additional’ home – a summer home, you might say. It had a nice little loft in a tree. I saw it run there over the electrical lines as I was shooting the BB gun. I couldn’t reach that spot. It would sit in the opening of the hole and stare at me. Or maybe it was glaring at me. If reading animal minds was possible, I’d swear it was thinking that there was no way I was going to keep it from living in my attic. We were both determined to have our way.

I live in an old rock house in an old part of the city. The rock was laid one at a time over 65 years ago. It seems after a particular cold spell, the mortar gets crumbly in places, making it easy to scrap away. I had a contractor come last year to plug up some obvious areas, but there must be some spots under the facia board and the metal trim around the windows. This morning I got my ladder and searched for gaps. I plugged up several holes with grocery store bags. Yeah, I know, that sounds tacky, but I tucked them in deep, out of view. My logic here is that if the squirrel is using any one of those holes for egress, then the bag will be torn out, and I will have another clue.

I felt rather proud of this latest scheme. I sat on the patio somewhat proud of human ingenuity. As I sat there, the squirrel appeared on the top of my roof. I aimed my BB gun, shot several times, and missed. It ran to the trees. It stared at the house. Hmm. What’s that noise I hear? I walked toward the house listening for the noise. That’s it! There is another squirrel living in here. That’s why I was thinking there seemed to be more noise over my head. I was so frustrated that I began shooting off the BB gun at the other squirrel staring, no glaring, from his perch. I’m not sure, but as he was running and I was shooting, I saw a commotion in one of the bushes, leaves and branches swaying every which way. Maybe I hit it, in spite of my eyesight. I don’t think it’s dead, just nicked – not sure if I even hit it. And I won’t go investigate because it’s my neighbor’s yard, and there’s a big dog in there. I’ve already had to secure the back fence to keep ‘it’ from coming into my yard barking at “ME” while pooping. Anyway…

At this writing, I am waiting for a bag to drop so I can plug the hole. I will also be getting in touch with the stone mason to come work on the mortar. Call animal control? I tried that. They refer you to private companies who charge a small fortune, which I can’t afford on my limited resources, to trap the critters and release them, supposedly, miles away. Neighbors tell me they believe those same beasties find their way back – you know, like a dog. I plan to investigate different traps. I’m not sure what I’d do with it once trapped. A friend said, semi-jokingly, trap it, then shoot it. That’s a thought.

I am determined to win this battle. There’s no way a non-mortgage-paying, noisy, potentially rabies infected rodent is going to continue to disturb my peace and possibly destroy my property. It’s messing with the wrong two-legged creature.

edit: I just got off the phone with a local wildlife trapper. He told me the least expensive job would be $889.
I’m speechless.